Achieving Happiness Column for 10-17-04 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. LEARNING HARDINESS Some people are able to be successful and satisfied in spite of what seems to be overwhelming odds against them. They’re not lucky - they’ve learned how to be happy. Matt and Ron were both born with spina bifida. Ron was confined to a wheel chair and had very little use of his limbs, while Matt was able to get around well with leg braces. One would have expected that Matt would have been able to accomplish much more in life, but just the opposite was true. It was Ron with his severe physical limitations that grew up and did something meaningful with his life. He created a charitable organization that sells T-shirts he paints in order to raise money for other children with this disorder. Ron is living proof that we can all learn to make lemonade out of lemons. Positive psychologists have studied people who have overcome serious challenges in their lives and gone on to achieve happiness. These hardy souls have a style of thinking that can serve as a guide for all of us who are struggling to create a good outcome in our lives in spite of our difficulties. People who are hardy have learned how to overcome adversity because they’ve had at least one person in their life who taught them how to cope with catastrophes and go on to create success and satisfaction. Obviously having one or two parents who were able to teach hardiness skills is an advantage, as was the case with the young man who went on to help others. But having had any especially admired adult who was very influential has also been proven to have a profound effect. What if you didn’t have a mentor in your life when you were young? Is it possible for you to learn how to handle hardship as an adult? Studies have shown that you can learn at any age how to thrive through adversity. The key is finding one person who can be your role model and coach. Having a trusted advisor in your adult life requires building a bond with an individual you respect, such as a teacher, friend, neighbor, or minister. Just be sure that they’ve learned how to do it for themselves, otherwise it will be a case of the blind leading the blind. Ask a potential mentor about their life now. Are they currently happy with themselves, their relationships, their job? If they avoid answering or you get the sense that they’re not doing so well themselves, keep looking for your role model. Everybody’s willing to tell you what they think - but what good will it do to follow in the steps of someone who’s in a bad place? You’ll find your coach if you’re persistent. Ask friends whom they respect. When you find the right person, you can forge an alliance by asking them how you might be able to help them with one of their projects. On the other hand, if you have been fortunate enough to have had someone take you under their wing and guide you into a good life, please consider passing this gift onto others. There is a very compelling reason for taking the time to help others. By doing so you will propel yourself to the highest level of happiness in your own life. Positive psychology has discovered that there are three levels of happiness. The base level is enjoying the pleasures of life, while the middle range involves using your character strengths to achieve your own success and satisfaction. However, those individuals who were found to be the happiest devoted some of their time to teaching other people how to have a better life. These mentors help others to help themselves. Imagine a world in which each one who knows how to achieve authentic happiness teaches another one how to do it: - Appreciation and gratitude would be abundant rather than rare. - Good character would begin to proliferate instead of vanishing. - Thinking of others instead of just yourself would be the norm. Would you like your children to have the opportunity to live in such a world? Then it’s worth your time to help create it. Start volunteering a few hours of your time every week to help make it happen. You may be thinking that you’re far from perfect and have made your share of mistakes. If you’ve learned how to overcome the challenges in your life, then you’re the right person to teach others how to do that in their lives.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.