Positive Psychology Column for 2-22-04 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. Is your relationship headed for divorce? Is your marriage among the two out of three that will end in divorce? A world-renowned psychologist has just announced that he has developed a scientific formula that can accurately predict which couples will divorce. But the research also found that understanding their conflict allows some couples to stop their downhill slide and save their marriage. The world’s foremost researcher on marital relationships, psychologist John Gottman, has completed a 20-year study of more than 600 couples that confirms what other positive psychologists have discovered is fundamental to achieving happiness: people who learn to transform their negative emotions into positive feelings are most likely to have satisfying marriages. On the other hand, he found that couples who are harsh in their communication and hold onto anger prolong the hostility. This eventually erodes the foundation of their marriage and is a strong predictor of divorce. In fact, Professor Gottman’s research found that couples who had the most intense negative exchanges ended up divorcing after only 5.6 years of marriage. Couples who maintained a low level of negativity became emotionally disengaged over time, his studies show, and finally divorced after being married 16.2 years. This latest research describes three types of stable marriages, but only one type in which people experience an abundance of the most powerful positive emotion, love. The first type of marriage that is likely to last involves individuals who avoid conflict. Although this type of relationship lacks much emotion of any kind and leaves the spouses very distant from each other, it has been found to endure because it virtually eliminates the negativity that drives people to divorce. The second type of marriage that survives involves those couples that are constantly bickering. These folks maintain an emotional connection, albeit one involving constant friction. Although such people have frequent squabbles, they also know how to repair their relationship and produce positive exchanges when they’re not fussing with one another. The third type of marriage that endures is one in which the couple validates one another. This type of relationship is the one that produces the strongest feelings of love. Couples who validate one another take the time to listen to each other, usually 20 minutes every day. They’re good at listening to each another and they develop a deep understanding of what’s going on in their partner’s world. They provide encouragement to one another when facing challenges in life, and lots of positive reinforcement when successful results are achieved. Validators pick the issues they fight about so they address what’s important and avoid the small stuff. When they do occasionally argue, they maintain respect for each another’s opinions. They know that a successful resolution of their differences ultimately awaits them when they find the win-win solution that includes elements of what each person needs in order to be happy. But what happens when there is a mix of styles in a relationship? It’s bad news for couples whose relationship styles don’t mesh. For example, a couple in which the husband is prone to bickering but the wife is an avoider of conflict is probably headed for a divorce, according to these latest findings. The only hope for such couples, the study says, is to for each of them to learn how to find a happy middle ground for how they will deal with conflict. Fortunately, these relationship skills can be taught and have been proven to be effective in helping 65% of couples to be able to stay together. Learning how to cope with conflict constructively is a crucial skill for couples to master in order to prevent the destruction caused by unleashing a flood of negativity. Discovering how to soothe one another and solve problems in a mutually satisfying manner are essential tools. Allowing your partner to influence you is another component to constructing win-win solutions to problems. Contrast this “two heads are better than one” attitude with the uncompromising person who thinks that he’s right and his partner is wrong. But controlling the negative isn’t enough. Happy couples, studies show, create five times as many positive interactions as negative encounters. There are many positives produced in the daily 20 minute conversation described above. Learning how to get one another’s attention, affection and support are the skills that form the basis for connection, romance and a passionate sex life.  In addition, couples also need to learn how to expand their expression of fondness and admiration for one another. Keeping love alive is all about controlling conflict and continually recreating good feelings.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.