Positive Psychology Column for 3-9-03 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. How to become happy Do you ever wonder why some people seem to be unhappy so often? John knows why he's been unhappy for the last few months - because of his wife. She spent a lot of money at Christmas and he's still paying off the credit card bills in March. John thinks that there isn't much he can do about his unhappiness since his wife refuses to apologize. But John is keeping himself trapped in unhappiness because of the way he is handling the problem. For months John has been dwelling on the fact that his wife spent twice as much as he'd allotted her. When he replays the problem over and over in his mind, he magnifies his negative emotions. His ongoing expression of unhappiness toward his wife has created a wall between them. The inevitable result of his constant criticism toward his wife has been for her become defensive. This leads to angry exchanges and the alienation that result only feeds John's worst fear - that his wife doesn't love him. Who is responsible for John's unhappiness? John is. No one else can control his thinking or the emotions that accompany his thoughts. John justifies his negative behavior toward his wife by imagining that it's her fault, but he is relinquishing responsibility for the choices he's making in responding to the problem. The difficulty with John dwelling on his negative emotions is that it produces a downward spiral into feelings of being helpless and of being a victim. By blaming his wife for his bad feelings John is giving his personal power away. Albert Einstein once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. John needs to go sane. To accomplish that he must do three things: 1. Control his thoughts, which is the mechanism by which he will be able to control his emotions. 2. Make choices that will produce positive results by using those character strengths within him that has helped him solve problems in the past. 3. Reaffirm his commitments to having love in his life by tapping into his spirit, that part of him that is connected to the higher power and gives him faith that he can create good things in his world. These three steps are essential for achieving happiness according to positive psychology research. Each step is based on skills that anyone can learn to use to make their life happier. Let's look at how John could do this. First of all, it's obvious that he needs to stop dwelling on the problem. He has to take control over what he is choosing to think about. Each time a negative thought arises, he can tell himself to refocus his mind onto something positive. How can he do that? There are a number of methods for transforming negative thoughts into positive ones. One of the most effective ways is appreciation. If every time John thinks about Christmas he decides to focus on the incredible joy that his children experienced when they unwrapped their presents, he'll recapture that feeling of joy for himself. Creating a shift into a positive attitude has prepared him to take the second step. John needs to focus on times when he has made good choices in dealing with problems in the past. By recalling the steps to success he's used to solve previous problems, he'll tap into some of his best character traits. With this awareness of his inner resources, John can utilize the problem solving skills that he's developed over the years. He'll realize that he needs to enlist his wife's aid in solving their current money shortfall. He can set up a time to talk to her, starting the conversation with an expression of appreciation for the joy she brought to the family over the holidays. Giving up the blame game allows for John and his wife to work cooperatively to deal with their debts. This last step involves John's commitment to his wife and family. He must reach down into his faith, in himself and in the higher power, in order to find hope. With hope in his heart that he will be able to find a win-win solution with his wife, he'll keep working with her until they find an answer that suits both of them. When John and his wife bring a balance to their family by creating wonderful holidays within a budget that has been mutually agreed upon, they will have given themselves the best gift of all - happiness.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.