Achieving Happiness Column for 5-30-04 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. How come other’s have all the control? Does it seem like other people are keeping you from getting what you want? Do you often say to yourself things like, “This isn’t fair. Why don’t I get as much as other people do? How come other’s have all the control?”        You’re probably thinking that you’d be a lot happier if other people would just do what they’re supposed to do. Instead, they frequently fail to come through with what you need, leaving you feeling frustrated, resentful, helpless and sometimes just plain angry. Adding insult to injury, it seems to you like those who don’t always seem to be doing all of the right things often end up getting more of what they want than you do.  The problem is that you are operating under the mistaken belief that if you put others first, you’ll be loved and get your needs met. You probably developed this conviction in childhood when you were conditioned to believe that your needs were not a priority - it was “bad” to make demands on others. You most likely concluded that if you could eliminate or hide your needs then you wouldn’t have to face disapproval or rejection from your parents. And if you could convince yourself that you didn’t really have pressing needs then you wouldn’t have to feel so badly when they weren’t met. However, this presented an impossible bind for you because you couldn’t really repress all of your needs, and you weren’t yet old enough to get what you wanted on your own. Your only recourse was to try to hide the fact that you had needs while using indirect methods to manipulate the situation so you could get some measure of satisfaction. So you developed a facade of not needing or wanting anything for yourself, while covertly trying to control the other person by sending indirect and unclear messages indicating you’re dissatisfied. But when someone asks you directly what you want, you tell them that you don’t care, that it doesn’t matter, and that you’ll do whatever they want. Secretly you hope that they’ll choose to do something that will suit you as well. But this strategy almost always backfires because the other person only knows what it is that they need for themselves. Because you can’t express your feelings directly, the resentment that results gets communicated in a roundabout manner, such as being easily irritated, detached, and deliberately annoying. Of course you deny being angry, but there is a life-time of unhappiness that’s built up within you. Because emotions are hard to keep bottled up, they have to come out somewhere. Since one of your prime objectives is to avoid direct conflict in your relationships, your dissatisfaction is likely be driving you into the use compulsive behaviors such as overeating, pornography or shoplifting. You’re seeking to soothe your discontent by discreetly indulging in dysfunctional short-term satisfactions. Breaking free of this pattern means taking charge of the process for meeting your own needs. Other people are not responsible for your being satisfied in life. Only you can make your needs a priority, and only by putting them forth directly. Stop blaming other people for your situation. Victims never achieve happiness. As an adult, you are the only person on this planet who is responsible for, even capable of, meeting your needs. The first step in beginning to get your needs met is to change your thinking. Start telling yourself that your needs are important, and that others are willing to work out a win-win relationship so that everyone ends up happy. The second step is to let go of what you have now so you can get something else that will be more satisfying. Your present patterns aren’t working, particularly those that are covert. Be honest with yourself and begin to identify what you really need. The third step is to end your futile attempts to control others and focus on the only person in the world you can control - yourself. Instead of lamenting, “Why isn’t that other person giving me what I want?” the new you can take charge by asking, “What do I need to do to be clear and direct in asserting my needs, wants and desires?” It’s time for you to reveal your true self and start trusting that your needs can be met. Everything you want is flowing right by you. The world is a place of abundance, and there are plenty of good things waiting for you if you ask for them.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.