Achieving Happiness Column for 6-27-04 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. Mind Your Negative Emotions Ward was a periodic screamer. Most of the time he was a nice guy, but when his frustration level became intolerable with his wife he’d launch into an angry verbal assault. Kathy would try in vain to placate him, but she always ended up walking away seething with her own underlying hurt and anger. With two small children at home, they wanted their marriage to work out. So they went to a week-end marital workshop and learned that they were repeating patterns from their childhood. Ward’s dad had been a screamer as well, and as he developed insight into his upbringing he remembered how terrible he felt when he saw his father mistreat his mother. Kathy had a similar story. Even though she had sworn that she’d never allow herself to be treated the way her mom had been by her verbally abusive father, she found herself in a similar situation. After the week-end workshop, she too had committed to making a change. In the first few weeks following the workshop they were able to use what they’d had learned about needing to listen and empathize with one another when disagreements arose. But their truce didn’t last, and within a month they were back to their old ways. Actually, it was even worse than before because they both felt like monumental failures. Ward hated himself for being such a jerk, and started blaming himself as much as he did his wife for their problems. Kathy felt even more like a helpless victim - completely powerless to change the way Ward was treating her, but wanting desperately for her family to stay togther. This experience was a failure, to be sure. But it wasn’t a failure of the individuals involved, it was a failure of the advice they received. For many years therapists have tried to teach couples that if they simply listened to what the other had to say when they got upset, their relationship would work well. While this is certainly logical, the research has found that most volatile couples are like Ward and Kathy - they just can’t do it. When they get upset they automatically go into their attack/defend mode. Now that scientists have the technology to observe the brain in action, we can see that when people become filled with negative emotions they lose their ability to think and act in a rational manner. Instead, they fall back into the well programmed patterns of their youth. Neither insight into your background nor advice to be empathetic will help you when your brain is overwhelmed with frustration and anger, fear and hurt, or desperation and despair. When you are under stress, your primitive brain takes control of your mind. Once your  intellect has been hijacked, you are left flooded with the negative emotions that are designed to propel you into fight or flight. The solution is to detach from the person for at least 30 minutes in order to give your brain chemistry time to calm down. Go somewhere quiet where you can sit down and soothe yourself. Breathing deeply is an essential first step. After ten deep, slow breaths silently, but emphatically tell yourself, “Slow down, calm down, relax .” Then stretch and settle into a more comfortable posture. During this time out it is essential to disengage from your negative feelings. When thoughts of the negative encounter start to enter your consciousness, continue to breathe deeply and take the position of an observer. Rather than becoming absorbed in the negative feelings when they surface, just notice them from a distance. It’s like watching a movie as opposed to being one of the actors. As the director of the movies that run through your mind, you can redirect your thoughts to the good things that happened to you lately. Begin by remembering at least three experiences for which you feel grateful. These may be simple things such as seeing a nice sunset, getting a hug, or laughing with a friend. Continue generating pleasant images by recalling three actions that you took recently that produced positive outcomes. Savor the images of several satisfying deeds like giving a compliment, being supportive to a friend, or successfully completing a challenging task. Following this routine for 30 minutes will put you into a proactive mind set. Then you’ll be able to assume the perspective of a friend and offer yourself some prudent advice on how to put something positive back into your relationship.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.