Achieving Happiness Column for 8-8-04 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. YES YOU CAN The two most self-defeating words that people use are “I can’t.” “I can’t stop thinking about what’s happening.” “I can’t change the way I feel.” “I can’t control my behavior.” I vividly recall one couple that came in for help with their marital relationship. As a positive psychologist I wanted to know what made them feel the best about their 25 years of marriage as well as what their problems had been. The positive parts revolved around the terrific job they had done in raising their two children, they told me. Both of them were extremely proud of how well their kids had turned out, and they could acknowledge the contributions they’d each made to create that outcome. But they were finishing that phase of their lives, and realizing they’d lost their connection to each other. I was curious about what they each thought would bring them happiness in a relationship. The husband gave me a great description of how he wanted to reconnect to his wife by starting to talk more about their life as a couple, and how they could make their marriage fun again. Next it was the wife’s turn. That’s when the dreaded “I can’t” brought the conversation to a screeching halt. “I can’t even think about having a happy future with this man,” she insisted, “because I don’t believe it’s possible.” “Actually,” I explained. “I’m just wanting to know what would make you happy if you were in any satisfying relationship.” “I can’t even imagine,” she responded. She was at a dead end, doomed by her dwelling on the pain of her unmet needs over the years. As it turned out, she’d been well trained to think in this way by the individual therapist that she’d seen in the past. Using the traditional approach of focusing on everything that was wrong, bad, painful, and problematic, this counselor had “helped” her to face how dysfunctional her marriage had been. In the process of psychoanalyzing her marital problems, this client had unwittingly magnified her negative awareness and virtually eliminated any positive perceptions. She had come to see her husband as being fatally flawed and their relationship as  irreparably damaged.  Mind you, this is the same guy who had done a terrific job as a father and as a provider for the family. His wife’s biggest complaint about him was that he’d ignored her needs. While this is certainly an issue, it’s a problem that can be repaired by two people who are willing to learn how to meet one another’s needs. Why wouldn’t this woman’s previous therapist help her to see the half-full part of the glass? Because many counselors still embrace the old ideas in psychology and psychiatry that focus on finding out what is fundamentally wrong with people. In it’s efforts to help people with problems, the mental health field spent most of the last 100 years studying the flaws and frailties of human beings.  Like many mental health professionals, the wife’s former counselor finds problems, points them out to her patients, and spends innumerable hours discussing how they have created a dysfunctional life. Given this negative approach to psychotherapy, it’s not surprising that the research has found that two-thirds of patients in counseling fail to improve. Fortunately, the new research in positive psychology reveals that people can learn to live happier lives if they stop dwelling on the negative and start luxuriating in the joyful aspects of loving, working and playing. By examining the lives of people who have achieved happiness, positive psychology has discovered how those individuals have expanded the positive parts of their life. Here’s some surprising results from the research: - There is nothing wrong with you because you have problems - every one does at some point in life. - Problems are necessary, and eventually can become the most important and inspiring events in your life. - Human beings only learn to savor life after struggling through their times of suffering. - People who are genuinely happy aren’t always positive - they simply refuse to remain forever plagued by negative emotions. - Happy people become psychologically stronger over time because they move on to make their life a more joyful experience. Positive psychology research shows that less than 15% of how happy people are with their lives is determined by external elements. That leaves an astounding 85% of happiness being decided by how we handle our problems and how we make life a more meaningful experience because of what happens to us.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.