Positive Psychology Column for 7-13-03 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. Balancing Work and Love We tend to find ourselves rushing through life as if we were in a hurry to get to the end.  There are so many obligations to fulfill and it seems that we have so little time.  Do you ever wonder if the life you’re creating is worth what you’re having to give up to get it? When we’re skimming across the surface of life at supersonic speeds, we lose touch with what matters to us most deeply.  In order to have a higher level of happiness we need to regularly revisit our deeply rooted values that give us our vision of what composes a satisfying life.  Values and vision are only meaningful, however, when they are translated into actions.  It is your behavior that is the true test of what you value most in your life.  Actions do speak louder than words. You can say, for example, that your family is what’s most important to you.  But if you’re working long hours and come home depleted of energy to invest in your relationships, then you are choosing to have the rewards of your job instead of love.  Your actions are saying that you value money/status/power above having joy in  your marriage and fun with your kids.  If this applies to you, you’ve probably already started with the rationalizations: “But I don’t really have a choice.  My job demands an incredible amount of time.” The problem is that you always have a choice.  You are not a victim of your circumstances unless you think like a victim.  You’re giving your power away when you allow yourself to think that there is no other way to live your life. The choices that you are making may endear you to your employer, but they are ruining your personal relationships.  If you don’t water a plant it will wither and die.  If you don’t put good energy into your love life, it will suffer the same fate. It’s uncomfortable to look at ourselves and admit that we’re out of balance.  We fear being wrong, so we deny being responsible for the problems.  It’s so much easier to blame another person. But that’s just another way we give up our power.  How much control do you have over other people?  Very little, if any, is right.  So all that energy spent blaming the other person is wasted.  It’s not abought right or wrong.  It about whether your choices are working well or not.  The only control you have to improve things is to change your own behavior.  Facing the truth is easier if you use optimism.  That means following the specific thought patterns that optimistic people use to deal with problems.  When confronting a gap between their values and their reality, optimists make their problems temporary and their solutions permanent.   They tell themselves they can figure out specific strategies to start valuing love over work in order to be able to live their vision of sustaining their loving relationships. The change process actually starts with a plan, not with a reaction.  Showing up early at home one or two evenings after a fight with your spouse about your working too much doesn’t solve anything. Making a commitment to figuring out how to manage your job differently is the way to begin.  For example, by teaching your employees to take more of the responsibility, you will be able to consistently come home with enough energy to engage in a good connection with your loved ones. The best bosses have learned how to delegate.  Being a good manager means managing your time and energy to be most effective on the job while giving yourself plenty of opportunities for renewal. Paradoxically, managers who delegate have far more satisfied employees in addition to having more satisfactory lives themselves.  According to “Good Business” by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, workers who are gradually given more responsibility for figuring out the best methods for doing their jobs produce the best results and have the highest levels of job satisfaction. When the boss gives up command and control, his job becomes more focused on encouragement, recognition and rewards.  This same system works wonders at home as well. But it’s hard to muster this type of positive energy to use anywhere if you give it all at the office. When you give up trying to have too much control at work, you’ll free up some energy for having more love in your life.  That’s living your values, and that’s how you will achieve happiness.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.